Outside on the street, Jonathan was standing there chain smoking like a condemned man when I found him.
“Jesus!” He exhaled in a cloud of smoke. “Did I suck? What the fuck? That shit was totally fucking TERRIFYING, man! I am never gonna get on a stage again! Fuck! Just shoot me! Half way through I felt like I’d been standing up there for hours! PANIC! All kinds of weird shit started going through my head, like, ‘what the fuck am I doing up here?’ I really thought I was gonna puke and shit my pants at the same time. Fuck…”
Just then Wes, Max and several others surrounded him with all around hugs, backslaps and congratulations.
“That was fucking amazing, dude! You totally stole the show!” Somebody exclamed. Much to Jonathan’s amazement, apparently.
“What? Wow! Really?” He said. “Ya really thought it was alright?”
After being assured by a number of folks, including Joe Coleman, Wes, Max and several other artists he respects, that it was way more than just “alright,” Jonathan seemed to breathe a heavy sigh of relief. Then he turned strangely contemplative.
“Well thank God it’s over!” He said. “I’m just glad I got the fuck outta there alive! Cuz that shit coulda really gone wrong fast with a fucking big ol’ freaky crowd like that! I was really sweating my balls off up there, man, thinking they were gonna fucking kill me or something. I was just waiting to get bopped in the head with a beer bottle or whatever any moment. Fuck! It’s amazing all the shit that runs through your head…”
Then it was time for Dominick Fernow’s PRURIENT performance. After giving Jonathan one last reassuring hug, I hustled my way back inside to watch. Jonathan stayed outside to sign some books for his fans. Then, after watching PRURIENT, I returned to the merch booth, selling more copies of Narcisa and collecting more money.
Genesis P-Orridge went on next. That’s when I had to leave the building again for a minute, as he/she always has the effect of making me cry like a baby whenever I see Psychick TV perform. This time, without Jackie in the band it was just weird and heavy. And I was already feeling pretty crazed.
I think the combination of Gen’s words, the overwhelming sense of satisfaction and ease for being in the right place at the right time, and the fact that my 21st birthday- which I had always sworn I would never ever see- was closing in fast, was all falling especially heavy on me by the time Gen started kissing the tattoo she’d gotten on her arm of his/ her dead twin flame. My own flame was burning bright and alive and suddenly I was feeling hugely grateful.
After Gen finished, we all went back up to the side of stage to catch the inimitable Boyd Rice. I watched in awe as every fucking person in the crowd threw a fist or two. Then the pushing and shoving started and grew to a frenzy as soon as the words TOTAL WAR came out of his mouth, through the microphone and into the airwaves.
Howie took pictures while me and Jonathan laughed that his ass was hanging out of his pants. I gave Jonathan a hug. He’d really fucking nailed it tonight, perfectly setting the tone of the rest of the show after his strategically situated half-way on point performance. Amazingly, there were no more slurs, stutters, stammers or the least bit of wavering in his voice the whole time he read this time. L.A. had been a good warmup for him. It was solid now. One hundred percent! I was so happy for him and for me. We were really doing something that affected people and that is the most gratifying feeling in the world.
Ha…Awesome!