71. GEMSTONES
“Even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth, so is he for your pruning.” Khalil Gibran
“Well, I didn’t say I’d actually figured any of this shit out yet,” I laughed. “But one thing I have noticed over all this time duking it out with Narcisa. All the fighting doesn’t really terrify me the way it used to anymore. I used to run away from confrontation like the devil runs from the cross. Now I just hang in there. And that’s been a big step forward for me in some strange way. It’s almost as if we’re both slowly smoothing out a bit over time.”
Antonio didn’t say anything, but he had that look on his face that told me he was interested, paying attention. So I kept talking. Not so much to impart anything in particular to him as to just hear myself verbalizing all the odd thoughts and concepts that had been brewing and stewing in the back of my mind for some time now.
“It’s really strange, man,” I mused. “We’re like these two fighting cocks that just gotta keep fighting and fighting and we can’t ever kill the other one or die no matter what!”
Antonio took a sip of beer and looked at me.
“I dunno, man,” I shrugged. “Sometimes it feels like we’re both like a couple of raw gemstones bashing up against each other. Ya know that’s how the jewelers refine the rough stones, right?”
“What’s the point, Cigano?” Antonio said, his ears perking up now like a pedigree poodle.
“I’m not sure, brother. But I had this jeweler friend up in Mexico once. He explained the whole gem polishing process to me. I saw it. He’d stick all these rough stones into this mechanical tumbler thing he had there and then the stones would just beat each other up until all the rough edges and shit were smoothed out.”
He was listening intently now.
“And then after they’re smoothed out by all the friction, then they’re ready to be fine cut into precious gems. And sold to rich ass mothers like you to give to yer high class bitches, got it?
“i’ll overlook your typically crude references to my high class bitches.” He laughed. “But that’s an interesting concept, Cigano.”
“Yeah, right?” I said. “But the trick is they always gotta put the same kinda stones together for that rough polishing, see? Gotta put the diamonds with other diamonds, ruby with ruby and so on. Cuz if ya put a diamond in there with an emerald or something, the softer stone just gets pounded down into dust and then the other one’s left there sitting all alone again. Kinda like people, hein?”
“I see what you’re getting at,” he said. “I really like that analogy. I knew there’s a reason I like hanging out with you, you sick bastard. You’re pretty wise. For a degenerate old gypsy.”
“Thanks, man! Coming from a depraved ruling class oppressor of the working classes like yourself, i’ll take that as a boost to my own mortally-wounded self esteem.”
“Moving right along,” he said laughing. “Tell me more, oh wise gypsy seer.”
“Seriously, man. I think Narcisa and I are similar enough to actually be benefiting from all this fucked up violent conflict. You know, what don’t kill us makes us stronger.”
“From what you told me about this crack smoking maniac you’re in love with, I don’t doubt it at all. She’s a poet like you and she’s highly intelligent and she sounds like a classy damned pirate criminal with a touch of the mystic. She really could be just the right girl for you. But she’s a goddamned lesbian whore and a drug addict, Cigano. You’ve told me the stories about your past, so I can see how you can relate to some of this girl’s issues. But you’re so far removed from that life now. How can you stand being around all the instability and the constant danger?”
“That’s the whole point, man. Like ya said, I totally relate to it all. Especially the fact that she’s a drug addict. Or didn’t you know? I’m a fucking drug addict.”
“No! That’s my whole point, Cigano. You’re an ex-drug addict.”
“No such thing, Antonio,” I said shaking my head. “That’s like being an ex transexual or something. Once someone crosses some invisible line and becomes an addict, they’re always gonna be an addict. Ya can’t turn a pickle back into a cucumber, man. Listen, you went to that A.A. meeting with me once, remember? Well, the whole twelve-step philosophy describes it as an incurable progressive deadly illness. Sure, it can be treated, but the shit is never fucking cured. It’s a spiritual program of daily reprieve. I’m just not taking drugs and feeding my disease today so it’s not progressing and wrecking my life today the way it’s fucking up her life. But the default mindset of any addict is still exactly the same, whether they’re clean or still taking drugs. Don’t make no difference, brother. A wild animal don’t stop being a wild animal just because you tame it or stick it into a cage. It’s just contained. If it ever got out it would still kick your ass and eat you alive.”
“But what’s the attraction for you to a wild animal?”
“I know what makes her tick, man. I can read her like a fucking book! And anyway ya slice it, we’ve both got a lifetime of all kinds of self-centered living and mad nasty habits under our belts. We’re basically just the same. And that helps us to see ourselfs, like looking into psychic mirror or something. Cuz we’re both covered in all the same kinds of creepy emotional trauma scars that keep bubbling up to the surface all the time in this thing.”
“Even after all these years you’re off the drugs?”
“Yeah, man. That’s why they call it a program of recovery. It’s a life’s work. Even after years, its always kinda like peeling layers off an onion. The process never ends, just keeps getting more profound over time. Different issues. That’s why this thing with Narcisa’s so relevant to me now. It keeps making me have to keep digging deeper into my own fucking issues. Deep stuff. The kinda stuff that made me try to drink and drug myself to death for decades. Old shit that’s gotta be faced sooner or later if I really wanna keep going with my life now. Arrrggghhh, it’s complicated stuff, man. But since I been doing this twelve step thing, I’ve come to really believe that whatever the fuck comes my way now is for my own good, for my own spiritual growth.”
“Everything?”
“Yep. Everything, man. Even stuff like Narcisa. Shit, man, especially stuff like Narcisa! They say that if it hurts, it’s growth.”
“You’re more courageous than me, my friend!” Antonio said with a look of real admiration.
“Yeah, well. My definition of courage at this stage of the game isn’t the lack of fear, brother. It’s just the willingness to keep going and walk through the fear. What choice do I got? If I don’t face the fears, they’ll just keep running my life. And for a recovering alkie and an old dope fiend like me, that’s a fucking death sentence, man, believe me. Anyway, it’s not so bad. Could be worse. At this point we’ve just pounded and bashed the shit out of each other so many times in this crazy war of egos and damaged minds. To where it’s all just gotten so fucking significant to both of our real issues. All these wierd unconscious mental twists. It’s amazing how fucking similar we are. I’m just a few steps closer to sanity than she is. But only a little. If I ever let my fucking guard down, I could be just as nuts and destructive as her in a minute. She don’t know it, but the truth is, Narcisa’s got nothing on me. When I was out there doing my thing, man, I made her look like a fucking kitten. But I’m keeping my nose clean today, thank God. And i’ll tell ya, going through all this shit is teaching me stuff. I’m not quite sure what just yet, but I can feel it.”
“But if you still consider yourself a drug addict, Cigano, how can you stand to be around all those drugs every day and not fall off the wagon yourself? Don’t you ever get tempted?”
“That’s the funny thing, Tony. It’s like there’s a power bigger than myself, bigger than my addiction is keeping me from harm here. That’s another reason I really believe I’m meant to be in this thing. Intuition. That’s God’s way of talking to us. And if I ever did get tempted to go back to that shit, all I gotta do now is take one look at her. Living with this shit right up in my face every day, it’s not looking real attractive to me, believe me! No thanks! Really makes me grateful for my recovery and not wanna take it for granted. Another blessing. And another good sign is that we haven’t killed each other in this fucking relationship yet. That’s a real blessing for sure,” I laughed.
“No doubt that’s a blessing, Cigano,” he laughed.
“No doubt is right. Meanwhile we both seem to be slowly adapting to each other’s obnoxious solitary ways and nasty habits. We’re like these two wild animals, a coupla lonely old solitary predators locked up in a cage together now. What the fuck can we do, man? It’s like we’ve just spontaneously been coming to some sort of an uneasy truce, at least on some weird unspoken level.”
“Sounds almost hopeful, Cigano,” he said as he called for another beer.
I took advantage of the pause in the conversation to do some thinking.
Copyright Jonathan Shaw 2009
Even after a while, the devil quits runnin from the cross… lol
Great piece, per usual JS.
Tonico Monteiro de Carvalho September 7 at 11:38pm
Ciganoid,
I saw the Narcisa’s excerpt inspired on that conversation we had at the Tacacá. You are a becoming a true glorious monster of beat writing. Like I said before, Kerouac’s got a living rival now. …honoured to be in it.
If I may say something, I remember the exact words I told you that day, and if you wanna consider, I think it works better for the punch phrase in the middle of the piece. Instead of “purity” I said “…something immaculate. Maybe even holy; pure.”
You probably gonna tell me to fuck myself again like you usually do when I give you suggestions for your writing…
But I just thought you could use that one. I think it makes the following part where you laugh about me and make me look like a fucked up playboy even funnier.
Peace.
WELL, IT’S NOT “YOU” REALLY, TONY, SINCE IT’S A FICTIONAL CHARACTER NOW — INSPIRED BY YOU, BUT NOT YOU, WHICH GIVES THE WRITER SOME FREEDOM TO PLAY AROUND WITH DIALOGUE AND SO ON. THIS AINT JOURNALISM, IT’S FICTION!!
AND IT’S NOT GOING IN THE BOOK ANYWAY, SINCE MY EDITOR SUGGESTED I PULL ALL THOSE CHAPTERS CUZ THEY ”SLOWED DOWN THE NARRITIVE”
THAT’S WHY I POSTED THEM AS BLOGS TITLED ”OUTTAKES” FROM THE REWRITE OF NARCISA..
SO IT’S PRETTY MUCH A MOOT POINT ANYWAY.
MAYBE I’LL USE EM IN THE SEQUEL, PART 2 == THEN I WILL DEFINITELY CONSIDER YOUR SUGGESTION, WHICH AINT A BAD ONE… FOR ONCE, HA HA…
THANX, BROTHER