It had been a pretty good night after a sunny day on the beach, crashing around in the warm summer waves of Copacabana. I’d ended it up with a nice sweaty hour long fuck session with one of my favorite whores in Vila Mimosa. After kissing my little friend goodnight, I walked around the zona a couple of times, enjoying being back out on the pissy old cobblestone street again, passing easily through the early evening shadows. After a few turns though, it was starting to look kind of ugly. That’s the way it is there. Too much of a good thing and you’re done. Having seen enough drooling human degradation and perversion in the last ten minutes to last me all week, my business there was now officially done. Next? I fired up the bike and rolled the fuck out of there. Next stop, the slightly more upscale whorehouses of the Prado Junior.
It’s midnight as I roll up, ho-stroll rush hour. The usual traffic jam and sad old ugly bitches. I’m trying to make my way through it all as fast as I can, but I end up getting stuck behind some fucking playboy in a shiny new BMW. He’s stopped his car like a crippled slug right in the middle of the fucking street, wasting some poor whore’s time with his idle playboy chatter. Loser.
It’s midnight as I roll up, ho-stroll rush hour. The usual traffic jam and sad old ugly bitches. I’m trying to make my way through it all as fast as I can, but I end up getting stuck behind some fucking playboy in a shiny new BMW. He’s stopped his car like a crippled slug right in the middle of the fucking street, wasting some poor whore’s time with his idle playboy chatter. Loser.
After a minute of waiting behind him politely, I hit my bright lights. Nothing. Finally I hit the horn. That gets his attention.
He glares out the window at me with a face as dumb as a blow-up fuckdoll.
“Why don’t ya just pull over and park your car if you’re gonna chit chat, mano? Yer blocking the street.”
Now the plastic doll attempts something of a dirty look. At me. Now he looks like an angry blow-up fuckdoll. Dumbass. I’m getting tired of playing with this useless waste of space. I revv the bike and bump his car gently with the front tire.
“You’re blocking the road, jerk off!! Move that fuggin’ trash can so someone else can get by!!”
Fuckdoll starts to get out of his car. But before fuckdoll can open his door all the way, out of nowhere this little black kid runs up and snatches his watch off his wrist, then scurries off like a rat into the night. Now the playboy’s running down the street chasing his watch. Another glue-head decides this is his big break too and, seizing the moment, he jumps right into the driver’s seat and takes off, piloting the playboy’s shiny new car down the road like a crooked cockroach. I’m laughing so hard I almost fall off the bike. Sweet justice! Teach ya to act like a fucking tough guy in Prado Junior…
Well I’ve had my fun, and now it’s time to go. I fire up the bike and roll off down the street again, still howling with laughter.
As I turn the next corner, I spot the Paraguaia lurking in the shadows between two cars.
“Who you hiding from?” I ask.
She looked tormented. “Let’s go fuck,” she says.
Something about her tormented look and those words gave me an instant hardon. I’m not well. I know. I’ve been told.
She got on the bike and we rolled off. Back at my pad now, she just wants to watch the fucking TV and smoke alot of weed. Let’s go fuck! Now this shit! Great!
Finally, I tell her, “hey, quit yer grinnin and shed the linen.”
As she hems and haws, taking her sweet fucking time to drop her drawers, I ask where she’s been keeping herself lately, not having seen her around for a while.
“Back home in Paraguay.”
“Ya like it there?”
“It’s alright. Better than here, anyway.”
“So why’d ya come back then?”
“I fought with my mother and she kicked me out.”
“Why?”
“I dunno.”
“You don’t know why she kicked you out, or you don’t know why you fought?”
“I dunno.”
“You dunno. Well, what happened?” I asked, trying another approach.
“I beat up the maid.”
“Why?”
“She was sweeping the floor and she passed the broom over my foot.”
“So you beat her up?”
“Yeah, she dissed me.”
“Thomas Wolf said ya cant go home again. Maybe this is what he had in mind.” I suggested.
She stared at me blankly.
Fuck! I may as well be reciting Baudeleire to a worm! Well fuck it, I’m paying this ho for some fucking pussy here, not for her wit and repartee, so whatever… she dissed me. Shit!
In the bed now, I get my dick in the maid beater and I start to get busy with it, working the head in and out gently, preparing for a big thrust. After a while the shit is all wet and slippery, so I go ahead and put it in deeper.
“Aiiii!!” says the maid beater. Pleasure or pain, I have no idea. I give it another good thrust.
“Aiiii aiiii!!” Now three. “Aiiii aiii aiii!!”
Now I’m humping away like a big hungry dog, not a care in the fucking world, getting my money’s worth.
Suddenly she goes, “wouldn’t you like to come in my mouth?”
“Uhh, no, not really. I’m good. Why?”
“My pussy is sore and you’re taking a long time.”
That’s the problem with getting these tired whores for a cheap fuck at the end of the night. Their shit’s all done in.
“We’ve only been going for a few minutes, baby.” I reminded her.
“But my pussy is sore. I can’t fuck.”
“Maybe ya shoulda thought of that before ya told me ‘let’s go fuck’. Ya didn’t say ‘let’s go and I’ll tell you all about my sore cunt and give you a shitty blow job.‘ Right? Ya said ‘let’s go fuck’. Your idea, baby, not mine. And that’s what we’re doin’ here now, got it? We are fucking. So just deal with it, ok?”
After complaining some more, she finally gave in. I told her I’d try to go easy on it and come as fast as I could. Diplomacy. My father always stressed the importance of diplomacy when he was around. That seemed to do the trick and after that the maid beater hung in there like a pro.
So I’m going at it again now and it’s going pretty good, picking up speed and the next thing ya know the maid beater reaches down there and starts playing with her fucking clit, getting all hot and bothered. Jesus! Now she’s really going for it! grinding at her sore fucking crotch like she was digging up weeds in her mother’s garden!
“Aiii aiii aiiii, don’t stop!” she’s yelling, and it’s getting me all worked up too now and now I’m riding that sore maid beating cunt like a buckin’ bronco and she’s moaning and groaning to beat the fucking band.
“Aiii aiii aiii!! don’t stop papa, give me the dick!!” she’s yelling and I can picture the look on the neighbor lady’s face, the old bible hag who’s always banging on the wall cause the music’s too loud. Well dance to this fucking beat, ya dried up old cunt! I think and then suddenly I start laughing hysterically and I’m coming at the same time and the maid beater’s howling like a fucking banshee on crack and still grinding away at her sore pussy as I finish coming and go limp once and for all.
I’m all done in now, but this one’s still going strong as my dick pops out of her snatch like a guilty midget. I roll onto my back, still laughing, and watch her moaning and groaning and twiddling her fucking clit. She looks like she’s about to pop a fucking vein.
Shit, why me? I think. From “sore cunt hurry up” to “don’t stop!! give me the dick!!” to this crazy shit now — all in the wink of a fucking spider’s asshole!
If anybody can explain this kinda fucked-up shit to me, please send me a letter — no lesbian feminist hate mail please — and I will bake you a big fat fucking cake. I promise.
Copyright Jonathan Shaw 2010.
I don’t know, but it’s fucking hilarious. (jesus christ, you’ve got a way of writing, man.)
All I can say to justify this particular situation is to say that it’s a woman’s prerogative ta change ‘er mind. LOL